just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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