He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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