I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
