i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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