I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The uberlube is also flammable
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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