"it" just moved
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
