I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Pooping to opera.
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