I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
