Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
