you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
