I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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