once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
