She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
