I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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