new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
