my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Even my vagina gasped.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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