I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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