You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
