I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
