did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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