You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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