Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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