Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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