my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
