what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
