better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
