i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
