Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
