used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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