He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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