Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
