Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
