I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
