Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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