Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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