u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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