she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
