I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
