If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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