My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
