i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize