Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize