can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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