you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
