she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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