Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
