brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
