8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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