you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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