so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
