naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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