TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
