Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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