Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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