She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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