i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
