Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
