Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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