well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
