Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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