This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
