I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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