Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
