did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
